Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Stall Hogs (part dos)

I want to know who invented the toilet seat that has the missing part in the front.  Or, I want to know who perpetrated the myth that a man could pee in a toilet with this type of seat on it, leaving it down, without getting some pee on the seat.  I guess that is the purpose of the horseshoe toilet seat.  Leaving it down and peeing seems, on the surface, a good idea.  Let me just inform the mass population of men out there that in no way, shape or form does it work, at all.  Don't try it.  You can't do it.
 
Do what I do if I am in a bathroom that doesn't have a urinal.  Use your foot, if you have a shoe on, (pee on the bottom of your shoe is about the best place for it, if there can be a best place) to lift up the toilet seat, because if your in a public restroom or in a bathroom at work and it is not the executive bathroom, the seat is going to have pee on it.  

So what about the women out there, when they have to use one of these bathrooms shared with men, what do they do?  Or what if you have to go big (euphemism for poo poo, (there are about a thousand for poo poo))?

Well there are a few solutions.  You can always do the wipe method (not the one you are thinking of).  Simply wipe off the pee with toilet paper.  This will work, provided that you are not anal about pee residue being on the seat, and you can't use method two.  Fact is, that unless you used a Clorox disinfectant wipe, on any seat, it probably has pee residue on it.  I have heard of people using the disinfectant hand gel on their butt after the wipe method.  These are the same people that think using toilet paper after going big actually gets you clean.  That is like doing auto work on your car, getting your hands greasy, wiping them off with a towel, and thinking that they are clean.  Sure, go ahead and eat your lunch with those hands.  Your butt still has poop on it after you wipe, smeared poop.  There is that select group out there that uses a bidet.  

Method two.  Hover. This is still the primary method in France.  (Google squat toilet.)  This is claimed to be used by everyone that goes to Mexico and is forced to use a public restroom, and a lot of women in general.  The actual number that can pull it off, especially considering the amount of time and effort required to hover while going big not to mention the general out-of-shapeness of most of the women in this country, remains an unproven quantity.  I would guess that a vast number of people that claim to hover actually are wipers.  

Another option is to use the toilet seat cover that is in some of the restrooms in this country.  Using them correctly is a mystery.  Trying to get that flap in the middle to rest in the toilet (so that you can just flush and the whole thing goes down the toilet) while you have enough of the cover left to actually cover the whole seat is a feat that is rarely pulled off.  The most common coverup sub-method is to use toilet paper, or a combination of both.  The toilet paper to cover where the real cover doesn't.  

Option four, and perhaps the hardest, Hold It.  I know of more than several people that have perfected this method.  Using a toilet seat other than their own appalls them, or just grosses them out.  I know of two women that had to have every toilet seat replaced in a house that they bought.  OK.  I can understand, a little, having the seats replaced in a house that you buy.  But putting yourself in pain, just so you can make it to an "acceptable" toilet seat...

Perhaps it is a privacy issue.  Most places have a stall.  I think it is more that people don't want others to hear the inevitable farts that happen when you go big.  How embarrassing.  Women don't fart.  Who can remember, back in the day, in the field house?  Just a row of toilets.  No stalls, no walls, just a place to poop.  There is probably some federal law against having that type of facility now.  

Now another matter.  This could be a post in and of itself but I add it here for your enjoyment.  www.cs.umd.edu/~dabe/Poopie.html


What is it?  Ok, we know it is something braided, but from what?

El Toro Negro


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